No sir. I am not. My son has died.
Well, more like a brother than a son. Sometimes felt like an elder brother or a younger brother depending on the moment.
This is presumptuous of me I guess, I hadn't heard from him for over a year before he died. I had tried, but not hard enough. Not frequently enough. I write too many people off I guess. When I meet someone amazing I don't think I'm worthy of being their friend.
But maybe worth doesn't matter, maybe what matters is the value of connections.
This was 3 months ago, and I'm only finding out now.
I'm pretty sure I was the last one to mail him, but we had several chains going on, and I should've replied to them all.
I wish I had tried again sooner. I should've got over how weird I felt, should've have assumed he was ignoring me. Maybe he just missed it. Maybe he was but would've changed his mind.
I don't know if he needed someone, if I could've been a person to have helped him. I just wish I could've been there to stop him.
It's so fucked up that in the winter when I finally did mail him again to ask about that great game that it happened to be 2 days after they found him.
If I had just reminisced a week earlier, could I have changed things?
I don't even know if it was an accident or on purpose. All I know as that however standoffish I might've been to avoid being a stalker, I wish I could've helped him somehow.
I don't know how that could've been. If words would've been enough. If he had asked, could I have pushed myself out into the world to help him through it?
He must've been alone when it happened, right? If he only had someone there to help him. Fuck.