feeling increasingly like a zombie

this morning around 8 woke up to bangs

couldn't fall asleep until around 5 last night so at most three hours sleep

you'd think sleep deprivation would make you fall asleep earlier, but anger will counteract that

my back is breaking down, my trachea is breaking down, my mind is breaking down

just sat out in the heat or walked around really slowly in a daze


really pining for very simple things

I am a genius of self-harm

and typing without your left index finger really slows you down, trying to fill in with my middle...

it's taped up with a massive "paper cut" which I actually inflicted  via string... perfect timing just as I'm winding down with my nightly sleeping pills to get a boost of adrenaline that may  keep me up until other stuff  prevents me settling...

I guess it's comforting in a way to have nobody to blame for this other than myself though. Pain and injury in small doses kinda center you if they don't have interpersonal baggage, as that can be far more anti-relaxinf

I had a pair of scissors three seconds away and should have used them but there's some kind of toxic male macho shit where I think I ought to try  everything by hand first... 

so my tshirt had a loose thread and I grip it with both hands intending to snap it... but clearly  my left  grip was too weak so when my secure right pulled it slid... 

I must've  realized left was weak as I had it wrapped halfway round the index, so BLAM, we're talking like 100 degree arc here... and THEN wisely used the scissors to cut the loose thread that  had tripled in length.

very painful but didn't actually bleed, it's where you can look in and see red and know the slightest shift will rip it  open so a bandaid makes sense to avoid that and infection.

Only used warm water, had used mouthwash (I might have the Rona, constant throat tickle and huge dry coughs... no phlegm or bloos vbut it's persistant..) so maybe I should've poured that on...

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I should obey those omens

Cicadas emerging to attack Biden, a June which seems neverending now that I finally caught up on my PVR screenshotting and got a month-long ban from a booru? Fates want me to catch up on Higurashi (and Goblin Slayer movie for good measure!) and get back into animu, yes?

dreams of Herculeses

got at most a sum of eight hours but probably much less due to constant waking up at every little creak, a common thing over the past year which has probably bothered me more than heat

need to get that fitbit app programmed to monitor my sleep cycles however that works...

one of my dreams involved finding some kind of starcraft server where you could play a hero and level them up, basically like a MOBA akin to Aeon of Strife / DOTA / LOL / DOTA2 / HOTS except instead of being a hero commanding an army on a flat map you were a solo hero against an army on a platformer and you leveled up much faster with much cooler buffs and SFX that went beyond the original sprite coding

then for some reason I was listening to Kevin Sorbo dishing out a secret he found out about "Hercules". At the time I was dreaming it didn't occur to me that Kevin Sorbo WAS the guy played Hercules so it made me puzzled as to who he could've meant. All I can figure is it could be Lou Ferrigno since he played him in 83/85 films. I guess it could've also been Steve Reeves?

It really sounded like it was a guy he co-starred with though, so I think my dreamind was confused.

Basically Sorbo was saying how when he met "Hercules" the guy bragged about how he had such a little education, never graduated high school, and everyone assumed he was a dumb jock and telling the truth.

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Molester Man

not a bad comic, enjoying it so far, if I'd heard about it before I guess I'd forgotten

Gotta remember how nice these are

one plus is that without sound I don't need to worry about hearing the sound atop background noise.

 they're still distracting but i can just ear the muffs and not worry about a cord connecting earphone wraps or enabling sound cancellation

Microsoft Edge fail

I am totally removing this from my toolbar so I'm not tempted to use it instead of Firefox.

For some reason even though I can watch my PVR stuff (<60 days) via the browser any screenshots I take shows up black, same with screen-recording short clips.

Firefox isn't exhibiting that problem.

Unfortunately I had brought up something which expired 3 hours ago on it, so I can't re-open it on firefox anymore.

At least I got the chance to watch s4e8 (aka s2e20) of Harvey Girls... it slipped my mind to watch 4e7/2e19 on Saturday...

Need to take initiative with this weekend's batch and try to finish them before friday. On weekends I get in a nasty mood and play hearthstone all night adn forget to take  5min t ojust tally up my screenshots.

So much for "if I do it on demand I'll bem otivated to do it quickly".

I just know that where I can go ondemand I don't need to worry about deletions, and it allows for keeping more accurate timestamps...

oh well, at least I learned something from this. Not the first thing I've forgotten to screencap.

Got pissed that Batwoman/Pennyworth were deleted/cancelled and revenge-deleted dozens of stuff so I expect I'll get hit back. I'm mostly concerned about Cleo since TWD is on AMC on Demand, as are BW/PW on ShowCase.

No sir. I am not. My son has died.

Well, more like a brother than a son. Sometimes felt like an elder brother or a younger brother depending on the moment.

This is presumptuous of me I guess, I hadn't heard from him for over a year before he died. I had tried, but not hard enough. Not frequently enough. I write too many people off I guess. When I meet someone amazing I don't think I'm worthy of being their friend.

But maybe worth doesn't matter, maybe what matters is the value of connections.

This was 3 months ago, and I'm only finding out now.

I'm pretty sure I was the last one to mail him, but we had several chains going on, and I should've replied to them all.

I wish I had tried again sooner. I should've got over how weird I felt, should've have assumed he was ignoring me. Maybe he just missed it. Maybe he was but would've changed his mind.

I don't know if he needed someone, if I could've been a person to have helped him. I just wish I could've been there to stop him.

It's so fucked up that in the winter when I finally did mail him again to ask about that great game that it happened to be 2 days after they found  him.

If I had just reminisced a week earlier, could I have changed things?

I don't even know if it was an accident or on purpose. All I know as that however standoffish I might've been to avoid being a stalker, I wish I could've helped him somehow.

I don't know how that could've been. If words would've been enough. If he had asked, could I have pushed myself out into the world to help him through it?

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